They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
he quoted the bible to break up with me
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
