If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
