If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
