I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
