apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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