benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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