Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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