In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Randomize
