i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
