Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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