I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
