my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
