I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
