you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I would fuck him just for his dog
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
