1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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