Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Randomize
