I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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