I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
