You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Randomize
