people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
