i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
