in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
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