im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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