Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
