he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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