Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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