My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
