I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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