are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
smell my finger.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
