i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Be still, my beating vagina.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
