new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
