My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
