Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
