Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
