he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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