life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
it's unicorns you uncultured swine