I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
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oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
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He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.