was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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