um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.