Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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