You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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