Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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