we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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