you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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