capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
