i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
