I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
