were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
