I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
what day is it and did you see me today?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
