I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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