I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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