Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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