Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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