She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
