why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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