Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
